My First Weeks With EMDR

What the early phase of EMDR feels like, from the inside

I’m sharing reflections from my first two months of EMDR, in the hope that they resonate with people living with PTSD, CPTSD, or other trauma-related conditions.

In my case, a childhood trauma shaped beliefs that followed me into adulthood – affecting how I lived and how freely I could write – or trust my own voice.

If you’re considering EMDR and wondering what the early phase can feel like from the inside, this is how it unfolded for me.

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Why EMDR, and Why Now

After six years of psychotherapy, I felt ready to try EMDR. It was a method I had trusted intuitively for a long time.

I chose it because of CPTSD and the long-term effects of developmental and medical trauma.
I wanted to calm my nervous system and soften hypervigilance and chronic guilt.

Childhood trauma shaped beliefs that affected how I lived and how freely I could write.

What follows describes the changes I’ve noticed so far – including a growing sense of ease and continuity in my writing.

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What EMDR Therapy Is – Briefly

Traumatic memories can remain lodged in the nervous system and continue to trigger emotional and bodily reactions long after the danger has passed.

EMDR (Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing) is designed to help process those experiences – so they can be integrated without continuing to carry the same emotional charge.

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When EMDR Starts Before the Eye Movements

In EMDR, the therapist and client eventually choose a target memory – a specific moment, image, or belief that still carries emotional weight and becomes the focus of processing.

When there are many traumatic experiences, choosing a single target memory is not always easy.

That was my experience.

We didn’t rush that decision. Instead, we allowed space for the nervous system to signal what needed attention.

In my case, the first target emerged between sessions.

While I was riding the bus, something in me began to stir. An inner voice pointed toward a traumatic experience that had long been taboo.
A strong sense of vulnerability followed.

That is how I knew this should be my first target memory.

This is part of what can happen in EMDR: the process can begin even before the technical work starts, once the nervous system is given a sense of safety.

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What the Most Intense Phase Showed Me About My Capacity

In the early phase of EMDR, many reactions intensified as my nervous system adjusted.

Emotions moved closer to the surface.
I felt raw, irritable, and exposed.

When emotional waves rose and felt unbearable, I returned to very simple anchors: staying present, breathing, walking, and remaining with myself.

Staying with that intensity was possible because of skills developed over years of verbal therapy – emotional literacy, self-observation, and the ability to remain present without collapsing or dissociating.

That foundation mattered. EMDR does not exist in isolation.

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The First Target – A Trauma the Nervous System Never Forgot

The first trauma we worked on occurred when I was ten years old.

This was an experience I had not been able to integrate through other forms of therapy.

At its core, it involved emotional abuse and the threat of physical violence by an authority figure.

What followed was complete social rejection.

The experience contained everything that defines major trauma in childhood.

It overwhelmed a developing nervous system and carried shame, guilt, and isolation.

In my family, it was never spoken about.

EMDR released emotions I had once forbidden myself to feel in order to survive.

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How EMDR Engages the Nervous System’s Healing Capacity

The most difficult moments came before we began working with eye movements, while I was still alone with the choice of the target memory.

Once we began processing the memory through eye movements, the intensity eased.

In practice, the setup was simple. We sat across from each other, slightly angled rather than face-to-face.

My therapist moved her finger from left to right, and I followed it with my eyes.

At the same time, I held that childhood memory and the belief attached to it. From there, we noticed what arose – images, sensations, emotions – without forcing or steering the process.

With each session that included bilateral stimulation, the work felt lighter and more contained.

The initial weight did not return.

As the intensity eased, another layer came into focus – the beliefs that had formed around the trauma.

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Trauma-Based Beliefs and Their Long Reach

One of the most striking aspects of EMDR is how clearly it brings trauma-based beliefs into view.

In my case, the belief tied to this childhood memory was stark and devastating:

that I was fundamentally not okay, and that my needs caused harm.

Over time, it became clear where this belief came from.

It had formed within a relationship where an adult authority defined who I was, long before I had the capacity to question it.

Through spontaneous associations and memories, EMDR then revealed what this belief had done:

how it had eroded my inner trust.

For a long time, I lived with a persistent doubt in my perceptions, reactions, and instincts.

As the EMDR work progressed, the intensity of this belief began to weaken.

The certainty that there was something wrong with me slowly lost its grip.

From there, my task became clearer:

to learn – gradually and deliberately – to trust myself again.

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Vivid Dreams and Ongoing Processing

At the moment, I am in a phase of vivid dreaming.

Much of what my nervous system recognizes as relevant seems to surface at night.

For the first time in my life, I feel as though I dream continuously – and remember it clearly.

The dreams are not easy, but they are rich in symbols.
I’m curious to see how they will inform the choice of the next EMDR target.

It is still too early to assess the full impact of EMDR on my quality of life.

But I can say this with clarity:
I feel more present.
I feel more alive in my own body.

And in my writing, I feel less blocked by inner doubt.
I trust my voice more.

There are emotional oscillations, yes.
But each one brings information, and with it, more self-compassion.

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This time, I chose not to focus on the scientific background of EMDR and to stay with lived experience instead.

For readers interested in a deeper understanding of how EMDR works, its protocols, and its clinical foundations, I recommend the work of Francine Shapiro, the founder of EMDR.

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